Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Marble
by Chica890
Summary: Another parody full of random, action-packed fun! Including celebrity guests, such as Hagrid and a D.A.R.E. officer! Woo hoo! PG-13 for some laungage (:D). Please review!
1. Ch 1 The Very Very Short Opening Chapter

Disclaimer: I only own the stuff you don't recognize. Please don't sue me *smile*  
  
Hey everyone! I've been wanting to make a parody of Harry Potter for awhile. I do it all out of love, though. Actually I started a semi- serious Harry Potter story, but parodies are just so FUN! And Peter Pot is starting to lose it's touch, so I need some ideas!  
  
And now, introducing..  
  
~*HARRY POTTER AND THE SORCERER'S MARBLE*~  
  
"Petunia, dear, fetch me a cup of tea." Uncle Vernon commanded his frail wife.  
"Right away, sir, I mean dear." Aunt Petunia answered her fat, fat husband.  
"Mummy, fetch me a cookie." Dudley demanded of his frail skinny mother.  
"Right away, punkin!" Aunt Petunia obliged to her fat, fat, son.  
"Excuse me Aunt Petunia could you take just a step to the left, I want to swat a fly for you." Harry Potter ever so politely inquired of his aunt. She promptly keeled over and died of exhaustion.  
"AHH!" roared fat, fat, Uncle Vernon. "LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE! You've overworked her to the bone!!! What is she, your SERVANT? Go find some disgusting, out-of-the-way, cobweb-infested place I can kick you into! We'll need the cupboard under the stairs to preserve her frail, frail, poor, overworked body!" he spat in disgust. Suddenly an owl swooped in the window and smacked Uncle Vernon in the head, just like the lady in The Birds. He promptly keeled over and died from severe head injury and a letter floated down and landed in the pot of tea. Fat, fat Dudley ran shrieking from the room like a little Swedish girl.  
Harry sighed the sigh of a pathetically misunderstood boy with a tortured soul. He drifted out of the room, while the letter boiled and simmered in the pot of tea. DA DA DA.  
  
A/N : Yes, that was an extremely short 2-paragraph chapter, as I am well aware. This is why I am posting chapter 2 at the same time, but please review and tell me what you think. I would make up a review song, but alas I can't think of what tune to use. So just review anyway. 


	2. Ch 2 When Chimpanzees Attack

So did everyone like chapter 1 which was really just like an opening but whatever? So yes, this is a parody of the Sorcerer's Stone, but I don't really remember a lot of details at ALL so it's just like the main ideas and stuff. Well I hope ya'll like it so far, PLEASE REVIEW!!!!!! PLEASE! *beg* *grovel* *kisses feet*..yea..so.....REVIEW!  
  
"I didn't do it Dudley!" Innocent, innocent, misunderstood, pathetic, tortured, trapped Harry said to fat, fat Dudley. "Why would I set a chimpanzee on you?" At the zoo Harry had accidentally set a chimpanzee on Dudley by merely commenting to it that Dudley was very fat. But with American eating habits these days, who could tell a wild animal's reaction to obesity? It all confused him very much.  
"I don't KNOW your TWISTED ways!!!" Fat, fat Dudley spat at Harry.  
Innocent, misunderstood, pathetic, tortured, trapped Harry just sighed his tortured-soul sigh.  
"Oh, come cupcake, let's get you upstairs." Frail Aunt Petunia cooed at fat Dudley. She and her fat, fat husband had magically returned from the dead, because otherwise Harry could be innocent, misunderstood, and pathetic, but would have no reason to be tortured and/or trapped. Plus it would erase a big plot point in book five. At the mention of the word cupcake, fat Dudley, who was also a little pissed at not having any other adjectives in front of his name, oblidged.  
Harry signed again, a little louder this time at not being acknowledged, and plopped down at the kitchen table. He poured himself a cup o' joe and took a long sip. Then he choked it back up, spit it all over the kitchen floor, and walked out of the room, muttering about burning his tongue. Readers everywhere said "Awww" at the pure innocence of this tortured boy. Just as he was leaving, an owl flew in and dropped a letter in his coffee. It boiled and simmered in the hot coffee. DA DA DA.  
  
10 MINUTES LATER.....  
  
Innocent, innocent, poor, tortured Harry walked back into the kitchen, mildly commenting on the sheer irony of the only two letters ever brought in by owls having been both dropped in steaming beverages.  
  
10 MINUTES LATER..........  
  
Harry suddenly remembered why he had gone into the kitchen in the first place and poured himself a glass of orange juice. Just as fat, fat, Uncle Vernon was coming in to teach innocent, innocent Harry a lesson about setting chimpanzees on fat cousins, he slipped on the coffee Harry had spit out 20 minutes earlier and keeled off from yet another head injury.  
Harry, watching this all with a slightly amused (yet innocent) look on his face, let his thought wander elsewhere.  
  
How strange. Don't letters usually arrive through that little hole in the door? I don't remember anything about an owl. Maybe another one will come so I can see what the letter is about.  
  
But alas, icy*splash (who's penname will soon be changed to Chica890), could not randomly fit anymore steaming beverages into the story, and therefore Harry had to wait til chapter 3.  
  
A/N: I was actually just about to end the chapter here, but I just realized how short it was. I have a problem with chapter lengths. So never fear, good readers! I will write more. Don't forget to REVIEW AT THE END!!!!!!!!! Please???  
  
That night innocent, innocent Harry had a dream.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
It was a dark and stormy night (thunder claps). Harry stepped outside for a breath of fresh air. He was such a trapped child that he didn't realize fresh air usually didn't involve thunder and spooky fog. But that wasn't important. Suddenly he heard a beautiful female voice from just beyond his sight range.  
"HAAARRRRRRYYYY!!!"  
"Mum?"  
"HAAARRRRRYYYY!!!!"  
"Mum?"  
"HAAARRRRRRYYY!!!"  
"Ok, that's enough now. Who's there?"  
"It is I!"  
"It-is-I who?" Harry giggled, merrily playing along.  
"IT IS I!!! THE ONE WHO WILL BE YOUR DEATH!" Suddenly a bolt of lightning came toward him, striking him on the forehead. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Harry awoke with a jolt. He rushed to a dusty corner and whipped out a mirror. He let out a blood-curdling scream. Frail Aunt Petunia, fat fat Uncle Vernon, and fat fat Dudley came running, their faces full of worry. Suddenly remembering there supposed hatred for their own flesh-and-blood, they hung their heads, ashamed, and went back to bed. Harry just stared. There was a lightning-blot shaped scar on his forehead, right where the lightning bolt had hit him in the dream. In fact it had been there his whole life, he had just never seen it because he had never gotten a haircut. If he was well-groomed he might not have been able to be innerly tortured, trapped, and pathetic. He got a scissor and roughly chopped off chunks of his long, tortured, trapped, innocent, innocent, hair. Now everyone could see his scar and he could convince them he was lightning- man! 'BWA HA HA!!!!' he thought, then suddenly stopped, regaining his innocence.  
  
A/N: TA DA! I'm actually proud of it, it's turning out better than Peter Pot already, which needs some major improving (I'm not giving up on it yet though! THERE IS STILL HOPE!). So PLEASE review and tell me if you liked it so far!!!!! THANKS! Now, for the ever-famous...*REVIEW SONG*!  
  
I had the idea to do Respect for the tune, then wrote it, then realized that Silver Phoenix25, who I LUV, also did 1 to that tune. So silver phoenix25, if you're out there, just tell me if you mind and it will go bye- bye! THNX ALL! REVIEW!!!!  
  
REVIEW REVIEW MY STORY!  
  
I WILL LOVE YOU FOR ETERNITY!  
  
REVIEW REVIEW MY STORY!  
  
REVIEW MY PARODY!  
  
please-review-it-you-can-do-it-please-review-it-you-can-do-it  
  
OH BABY!  
  
JUST A LITTLE BIT!  
  
JUST ONE!  
  
UNTIL THE NEXT CHAPTER!  
  
IS DONE!  
  
YEA! REVIEW REVIEW MY STORY!  
  
IT WILL MEAN A LOT TO ME!  
  
REVIEW REVIEW MY STORY!  
  
SOMETHING THAT RYMES WITH E!!!!  
  
Thank you, thank you! I believe I just won prize for SUCKIEST REVIEW SONG IN THE HISTORY OF FANFICTION! Well at least it will stand out. But A FOR EFFORT! So PLEASE review! PLEASE! Or I might have to write ANOTHER ONE!!!! MUA HA HA..Ha..ha..ha..*ahem* REVIEW! 


	3. Ch 3 The Letter

Heyy. So. I got SOME reviews, but NOT ENOUGH!!! Come one, people! We are raising the bar here! I mean, doesn't it just make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside to check your email and see bot@fanfiction: REVIEW ALERT! Really. So anyway, I hope you like this and you review. Or you don't like this and review. Whatever, just REVIEW!  
  
Innocent, innocent Harry looked up as an owl flew in the window and dropped a letter in his peanut butter and jelly sandwich.  
"Silly owl," Harry scolded it, "Letters don't go in sandwiches, they go in random steaming beverages!" With this he dropped the letter in a mug of hot chocolate and merrily skipped away. It boiled and simmered in the hot chocolate. DA DA DA.  
  
***  
  
Frail, frail Aunt Petunia walked into the kitchen to serve breakfast to her two fat, fat family members. Poor Harry was alone in his room, counting cobwebs. She served them each a cup of hot chocolate and then got one for herself. They all sat around the table.  
"This hot chocolate is too hot." Papa Dursley said.  
"This hot chocolate is too cold." Mama Dursley said.  
"This hot chocolate is juuuust right." Baby Dursley said. Suddenly he began to choke. His face turned blue. Dramatic music got louder and louder as he tried to notify his parents that he was choking.  
  
"Oh dear!" screamed frail Aunt Petunia. She attempted to do the Heimlich on him, but her frail arms could not fit around his pudgy stomach. Somewhere far far away, Dr. Atkins shook his head sadly. Meanwhile, Dudley fainted to the ground and coughed up one those those red old-fashioned letter seals. It had an "H" inscribed on it. Then he croaked off to go to that big bakery in the sky.  
  
MEANWHILE.....  
  
"Ouch!" Harry yelled as another owl came in a smacked him on the head with a letter. "Thanks a lot! Now I lost count of these cobwebs!" he burst into tears and slumped moodily onto his bed. The owl muttered something about being hormonal and flew away. Harry stuck his tongue out at it and opened his letter.  
  
[note: my italics aren't working, sorry!]  
  
Dear Mr. Potter,  
  
You have been accepted into the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Please purchase the list of supplies, attached, in Diagon Alley. We hope to see you there!  
  
Signed,  
  
ALBUS A. DUMBLEDORE  
  
Harry stared at the letter. He flipped to the list of supplies. He stared at the list of supplies. He flipped back to the letter. He stared at the letter. He flipped to-  
  
"HARRY! Get down here, boy!" Fat, fat Uncle Vernon called upstairs to him. He put the letter down on his bed and promptly forgot about it for two days. Then one night at dinner, where all the Dursley's were sitting around the kitchen table and Harry sat down on the floor and begged for scraps, they heard a loud pounding knock.  
  
"Who is it?" Aunt Petunia called pleasantly. More pounding. "Come in!" Aunt Petunia said, obviously unaware to the recent crime rates. Suddenly the door opened and a huge person stood in the door. If they hadn't been eating dinner and it had been light out, his shadowy figure would have been distinct in the frame of the door, which would have looked really cool, but this was dinner so it had to be nighttime.  
  
"Oi've come for yer little nephew, oi 'ave!" The giant man said gruffly.  
"You can't take him! We love him! We should never have kept him locked away all these years!" Aunt Petunia suddenly shrieked. "I won't let you have him!" Harry suddenly looked up from the floor as he saw a ray of hope, hope that he was loved. But it was quickly put out as Aunt Petunia walked over to the cupboard on the other side of the stairs and flung the little door open. Out jumped a little boy, about 7 or 8, with dirty-blonde hair and a ripped t-shirt and pair of jeans.  
  
"This..." Uncle Vernon said, wiping away a single tear, "This is Barry. We've kept him locked up all these years ever since we suspected him of being an elf. But no more! We won't let you take him! You'll have to get through me first!" Uncle Vernon sobbed.  
  
"Er...I, er..I just wanted Harry here. He's a wizard, you know." The Dursleys just raised their eyebrows at him in silence.  
"Oh, well, um, okay..." Uncle Vernon said, trying to recover from his brush with tragedy.  
  
And with that Harry and the strange Giant man walked off into the sunset.  
  
A/N: TA-DA! Sorry it's been awhile since I posted...and I really have to update PP. Well anyway, PLEASE review! I'd write another song, but I don't want to cause anyone too much pain. But if you don't review, I might have to.  
  
HONORABLE MENTIONS: PADFOOT-DREAMER: Hey Allison! Thank you so much for your long, long review!!! THANK YOU!!!  
  
FLUFFYPINKFLAMINGO: Wow you reviewed the first one too! Good job! Lol I almost giggled out loud at that part too, which is really pretty pathetic since I wrote the thing, but anyhoo I caught myself in time.  
  
Thanks to all my reviewers! Oh, wait, there are only 6!!! I FEEL SO LET DOWN! *sob* excuse me, I have to go wallow in my sorrow... 


	4. Ch 4 The Dream That Has Nothing To Do Wi...

OK, so for this chapter I was PLANNING on actually looking in the book and seeing what happened next. But unfortunately, due to some major construction on my house, I have no idea where the book is packed. SO I'll just make up stuff and hope it sounds remotely similar to what sort of happens in the book. Kind of. Lol. PLEASE REVIEW!!!  
  
"Oi! Wake up! Cocka-doodle-doo!" Harry sat straight up, looking for the source of the yelling and rooster- imitating. He looked up only to see a gigantic hairy face with little black eyes smiling down at him. He let out a loud girly shriek and ran for cover.  
  
"Hey, hey, hey! What er you doin' that fer now? It's just me! Yer old buddy 'Agrid!" Harry looked at him suspiciously, but decided that waking up in the middle of nowhere with some strange gigantic man talking in a weird accent wasn't all that out of the ordinary, considering last time he checked he had set a chimpanzee on his fat, fat cousin and was being whacked in the head by owls dropping mail into various steaming beverages. Thinking such a long run-on sentence made his head hurt, and he had to sit down for a moment. Chica890 scolded her grammar. When he got back up, he stared at the man.  
  
"Who are you? I mean I admit it is strange to wake up in the middle of nowhere with a gigantic man talking to me in a weird accent, but who knows? I mean have you watched TV lately? This is probably another one of those completely ridiculous reality TV shows! Honestly! Although they are strangely addicting..." he drifted off to ponder on this thought, forgetting someone else was there.  
  
"Um.'ello? Alroight there, 'Arry?" Hagrid said as Harry jumped a foot.  
  
"My name is not Arry, sir, it's Harry. With an "H" in it" Harry said.  
  
"I know yer name, 'Arry! Oi've known ya since ya were a lit'l baby!" he said, wiping away a tear.  
  
"HARRY! Say it with me Ha-rry. Ha-rry."  
  
"Oi know, 'Arry! Oh, CURSE THIS DAMN ACCENT!" Hagrid suddenly screamed emotionally, whipping out a copy of "Sexy British Accents for Dummies". He plopped down on the floor and began reading. Harry just shrugged and drifted into the kitchen of the house.  
  
He gasped as he found that it was not a kitchen, but a cozy little pub, brimming with freaks in long robes waving around sticks as they talked. They were served steaming beverages (Harry glanced around expectantly, this should be owl city!), although these ones were odd colors, like red and orange and blue, and there were even a few kids there drinking cream-soda- colored drinks out of tall mugs. He read a sign hanging from over the counter.  
  
There were odd names like "Fire Whisky", "Madame Pinche's Powerful Love Potion" (ah, so this was a gypsy get-together), and "Butterbeer" (Really! With the cholesterol count in this country already!) Harry took another glance around the warm room and turned and walked back into the room he'd woken up in, only to find that the doorway had disappeared.  
  
"Um, excuse me, M'am..." he said to the plump woman behind the desk, "But where did the doorway that used to be in that wall go?" The woman looked at him like he was a lunatic.  
  
"And who are you, that hasn't heard of Doctor Devine's Disappearing Privacy Doors?" the woman asked. Before he could say he was Lightning Man, the woman took him over to the wall and stood him in front of it. "Just say your password to the wall!" she explained as if it were extremely common sense, then walked away.  
  
"Umm..." Harry said awkwardly. "Hagrid," Nothing. "Doctor Devine," Still Nothing. "Harry," he tried, then on second thought, making his voice gruff, "Arry" A wooden door appeared, he turned the knob and stepped inside.  
  
Just then Chica890 realized she forgot that this was supposed to be similar to the real Harry Potter story.  
  
He woke with a start. "Oh..." he mumbled sleepily, "It was just a dream."  
  
***  
  
"Ah, ya finally woke up there?" A giant man said to him. Harry looked around wildly and screamed his little scarred head off.  
  
"Okay, WHO are you? I don't remember anything after...after leaving the Dursley's! That's right! You rescued me from the Dursley's! Oh, thank you, kind gentle-hearted hero!"  
  
The big man just laughed. "Well, we'll need to get to Gringotts and then to buy yer supplies, I s'pose. And then we'll have lunch, oi'm not the best at cookin', so oi guess we'll 'av ta eat out then!" Harry grinned, feeling strangely trusting towards the stranger standing before him, completely dismissing that he had no idea what the man was talking about. but he'd figure that out later. Meanwhile, he was starving.  
  
"Could we eat first?" he asked, and the man nodded, little black eyes twinkling.  
  
A/N: Wow. That was the most pointless chapter I'm sure many of you have ever read. I really was going to make the dream real, I was so into it that I completely forgot about remotely going along with the book. Oh well, I hope it at least gave you a laugh. PLEASE REVIEW! I don't seem to be getting a lot, I'm very disappointed in you all. V_V. BE ASHAMED, BE VERY ASHAMED! No, no, maybe it's my fault. Maybe I'm just losing my touch. Maybe I never had a touch.hmm.well anyway tell me your opinion on that last thought if nothing else. Please don't flame, though. Well thanx for reading!!! Please review! 


	5. Ch 5 Diagon Alley

Note: My italics and bold may or may not be working.  

Other Note: for some reason this is showng up with huge spaces in between paragraphs and quotes and stuff, I have no idea why.

Ok, let me start off by thanking my wonderful, wonderful reviewers.  I love you all.  Feel the love, man.  Peace out.

***

            Harry looked around the huge marble building.  The curved ceiling, the long row of counters with goblins standing behind them.  Harry snorted.  Goblins.  Hah.

            "Vault number..." Hargid said in a hushed voice to one of the Goblin's standing behind a counter.  Harry couldn't quite make out what number Hagrid said.  This was partly due to the fact that, little did Harry know, he had an unreasonably huge amount of money stored in that particular vault and Hagrid didn't want anyone overhearing, and also partly because Chica890 STILL could not locate her book.  Point and laugh.

            "Right this way, yes, yes," The goblin said in an unexpectedly high-pitched and squeaky voice.  "Follow me!" he squealed and he took the key from Hagrid.  All three got into a little car.  The goblin took a huge breath and recited his perfectly practiced speech.  

"No food or beverages inside the car.  Please keep all hands and feet inside the vehicle at all times.  Women who are pregnant, nursing, or anyone with history of heart problems are strongly cautioned not to ride." he droned.  

"Oh," he added suddenly, "And all the kiddies must be as tall as Daisy's bowtie or ride with a parent!" he said, pointing towards a large cardboard clown with a huge smile holding a measuring stick next to her.  "Enjoy the ride, come again soon." The squeaky goblin said boredly and pulled back a big lever as they started to move.

They zoomed through tunnel after tunnel, Harry eyeing a large bag labeled BARF BAG suspiciously, when suddenly they screeched to a halt.  The goblin, who had forgotten to mention the seatbelt rule despite his unyielding practicing of his speech, was suddenly catapulted out of the car and far, far away, to a land where cotton candy floats in the sky- ahem...and never to be seen again.

Harry and Hagrid looked at each other, shrugged, and got out of the car.

"Well, that was unfortunate" Harry said casually,

"Yes, yes it was.  Poor lit'l fellow." Hagrid also said leisurely.

"But then again, if that goblin had stayed in the car, he would have had to say "Vault Number So and So" Harry explained, "And since poor unfortunate Chica890 still cannot find her book and therefore remember what vault number I have, that would have been somewhat difficult." 

Hagrid blinked.  "Summat" he replied, and Harry nodded.

As they approached the big iron door, Hagrid whipped out a spare key and put it into the tiny keyhole.  Suddenly he was distracted by a miniscule cake that miraculously fell onto his giant head.  Ignoring the sheer irony that he could feel a little piece of dough with all his hair, he read the little tag attached to it.

            "EAT ME"

"Hmm..." Hagrid said suspiciously, but then stuffed it into his mouth, not able to resist the urge.  After falling down a rabbit hole and drinking a little bottle that said "DRINK ME" he was suddenly not only very confused, but huge.  So huge, in fact, that he could have passed for half-giant.

DA DA DA.

            Harry watched all this with a mildly interested expression of his young scarred (not scared, that always confuses me) face, but after 10 or so minutes he pulled out a copy of American Girl and began the read the "Help" section fascinatedly, before realizing that fascinatedly wasn't a word and then switching over to reading it  intensely instead.

Hagrid finally unlocked the vault.  He opened the huge iron door and walked into a huge room.  Hugely.  Harry gasped as he looked around in awe.

There was money everywhere, gold and silver pieces of different sizes.  A single beam of light shone down and the hallelujah choir sang.  It was quite a moment.

            Harry walked around and around the room, tripping every now and then on loose coins.  Just then Hagrid pulled out a large velvet bag and they began shoving coins in.  Meanwhile, Hagrid explained about Sickles and Knuts and Galleons.  This was all new to Harry, so he just smiled and nodded, words of advice from fat fat Uncle Vernon on what to do if you didn't understand something.  

            "Hagrid, what will we buy with all this money?" sweet Harry asked ever-so-innocently.

            "Well..." Hagrid started, hintingly eyeing his worn shoes.

            "Oh, what nice shoes." Harry commented mildly, then continued to stare around at the money.  "It reminds me, I could use some new shoes.  I had to use all Dudley's fat, fat hand-me-downs."

Hagrid just sighed.

***

            Harry's eyes widened as he looked down the street.  There were fools in long bathrobes as far as the eye could see.  Ah, he knew all along the night-night-land existed.  Yet no one believed him.  No one.  They said he was hopeless.  They said he was stupid.  But he would prove them wrong.  Wrong.

"WRONG!!!" he suddenly shouted triumphantly.  He received questioning stares from the many bathrobed people.

_Ah, but it is you who walks about in sleepwear,_  

Harry thought bitterly.  Suddenly a boy with flaming red hair came walking towards him. 

"Hello!" the boy said good-naturedly.  "You're one of us now, Harry!  On of us...one of us... on of us..." his voice echoed as Harry's head started to spin.  He suddenly snapped back to reality.

"WHAT?  One of you?  You mean I'm here abducted by this giant man who's actually known me since a baby because I'm actually a wizard who's parents were killed by the Darkest most Evil wizard of all time but under their protection he could not harm me, although he tried and left me with this scar on my forehead?" Harry shrieked.  "Do you know what this means???"

            "Umm..." the red-headed boy stared at him.

            "IT MEANS I'M NOT ACTUALLY LIGHTNING MAN!" Harry suddenly fell to the ground sobbing. 

 "And you mean I'm one of you because I'm a wizard and I haven't known about it all my life because I was dropped at the Dursley's doorstep when I was just a tiny tot by the greatest wizard of all time, Albus Dumbledore, who only wanted the best for me and the Dursley's were my closest relatives and they were related to my mother so her blood was there and that meant that You-Know-Who couldn't harm me as long as I could call Privet Drive home??"  he continued to sob heavily, pounding the ground with his fist.

"Actually..." the redhead replied, "I only meant that you were one of us in the sense that you shout out random phrases too.  Just before I heard you shout 'WRONG!'and I thought maybe you'd want to join RPSA." he finished with a dashing smile.

            "R...RPSA?" Harry said through his tears.

            "Random Phrase Shouters Anonymous!" The boy said as if it were common knowledge. 

During all this Hagrid had been in and out of shops buying school supplies, as well as a broomstick and a snowy white owl named Hedwig.  He presented it to Harry with a satisfied look.

            "Thank you, kind stranger." Harry said dramatically.  Given that he knew who Hagrid was, this was completely stupid and made no sense whatsoever.  But it sounded _so cool.  _

            "Erm...yer welcome.  Well we should be goin'.  Say goodbye to your lit'l friend there."

            "Thanks!" Harry called as he was dragged away, proudly sporting a large R.P.S.A. button on his T-shirt, and the kind red-head waved back.

As Harry and Hagrid walked into the sunset, he smiled upon himself.

_I knew nighty-night-land was real all along._

A/N: TA DA!  Wow I dunno if that chapter was long or not but it seemed like it, probably because I wrote it over the course of 5 or so days.  I've been a very busy person.  Well anyway, I won't pain you all with yet another review song, so please REVIEW!  Thanks.

~**HONORABLE MENTIONS**~ (a.k.a replies to almost everyone who reviews!)

**Padfoot****-Dreamer: Thank you thank you THANK YOU for that incredibly long review!  And the never-ceasing reviews!  AND for teaching me the way to fix italics and boldness and stuff! **

**FunkyPinkFlamingo****: Thanx 4 the constant reviewing!  It's reviewers like you that make parodies like this possible...**

**Sarah Findley: **Ah, yes, that bubble can be quite the persuasive one...

**Laura:** THANK YOU!  Ah, such wonderful praise warms the heart, it really does. 

**Foureyedsnail****: Chica, you have one awesome penname.  Yes, that book would come in handy right about now...**

**Traveling Pants: **Is your penname named after the book?   Cuz that is a good book.  Thanks for reviewing!  You make my day sunny... *bursts into song and frolickes away*

AND THAT'S ALL, FOLKS!  Put a smile on someone's face, review!


	6. Ch 6 The RPSA

Heyy!  Ok, I've been waiting to post this chapter for a LONG time because of the R.P.S.A. (see bottom author note) but I couldn't because, to make a long story short, I couldn't get on fanfiction for I couldn't post the next chapter of PP and/or see who I had to put into the R.S.P.A.  So yea.  R&R!  NOW!

***

"Arrggh," Harry muttered, stifling a yawn.  He looked around.  This wasn't his room/cupboard!  

_Ohh, wait a minute.  This is that place with the bathrobe people and the giant man who bought me a bird and a mop or something.  Riiight.  Well, better get ready for another exciting day! _

 Harry promptly sat up in bed, smacking his scarred head against a low-hanging lamp and falling back onto the bed, semi-unconscious.

When he woke up again a large hairy man was staring at him.

            "'Arry?  'Arry?  Eh, yer comin' 'round!  Thought ya really conked yerself there!  Thought yer might not be up an' about fer the big day!  We can't 'ave that, now, can we?"'

            Harry just nodded as he wondered where Hagrid was from with that accent.  As Hagrid left the room Harry pulled open his closet door and gasped.

            "ARRGGHHH!!!! EVIL BLACK BATHROBES!!! DON'T LOOK THEM IN THE EYE!  DON'T LOOK THEM IN THE EEEEEYYYEEEE!!!!!!" he shrieked, shielding his face and tumbling to the ground, shaking in fear.

            A loud earthquake-like noise announced Hagrid running up the stairs.

            "What er ya yellin' about?" he cried, looking at Harry like HE was the crazy one.

            "The...bathrobes...evil...nighty-night-land...bad dream..." suddenly he had a sudden revelation.  He jumped up and rummaged through his backpack. 

            "AH!" he screamed, "IT WASN'T A DREAM!" he held up a big red and gold button, with the letters **_R.P.S.A. _** on it.

            "Oh, ya fool, there ain't no Noighty-Noight-Land!  You were in Diagon Alley!  The best place fer yer back-ta-school shoppin'!  Where else were ya planning on buying Wizarding Books?  Madison Avenue?" Hagrid rolled eyes, looking at Harry like he was some kind of moron. 

            "But...the bird...the books...the bowl...the mop...all...magic?" Harry said slowly

            "The owl, books, cauldron, and broom were all fer yer first year at 'Ogwarts!"  Hagrid said, tossing Harry a bathrobe and turning to leave the room.

            "And these are yer robes!  see the lit'l 'Ogwarts seal on 'em?  Aww...look at that!  The little Snakey-wakey! And the wittle lion-wion!  And a Baaadger! Aww how cute!  Oh, but Ravenclaw's is the cutest, look at the wittle~"

            "HAGRID!" Harry interjected, extremely confused, "WHAT in the world are you talking about?"

            "Oh, put on yer robe and come with me!" Hagrid said exasperatedly, leaving and shutting the large wooden door behind him.  Harry reluctantly pulled on a robe and sneakers and followed Hagrid downstairs.

                                                                        ***

Harry squinted in the bright sunlight.  They were in the middle of the same wide street they were on yesterday.  As they walked Hagrid explained the story of Harry's parents, of Albus Dumbledore, and of Hogwarts School.  Harry's head was spinning as they reached a little stone building.  Hagrid opened the creaky door and they stepped inside.

Harry gasped as he looked around.  There were no windows, yet the room was cheery and bright.  There were no chandeliers, yet candles were suspended in mid-air above his head.  Suddenly he caught a glimpse of red hair out of the corner of his eye.

            "Hey, mate!"  The red-headed boy he had seen yesterday grinned, as Harry noted he was also wearing an R.P.S.A. pin.  "I'm glad you could come to the meeting!  We've had trouble recruiting members lately."  The boy shook Harry's hand and led him over to two empty chairs.

            "Sorry for not introducing myself yesterday, I'm just got a bit...um...overexcited...about seeing another random-phrase-shouter," he said sheepishly, "I'm Ron Weasley.  And you are..."

            "Oh! Sorry.  Harry Potter." he said, suddenly looking worried as the entire room went silent.  "Er...hi?" he said as suddenly everyone burst into screaming wildly and shaking his hand.  Large crowds of teenage girls stormed him, asking for autographs.  Others looked on interestedly but luckily refrained from trampling him.  Some stared on awe, almost drooling.

            "Er...what a welcome ceremony?" Harry shouted over the mad giggling and screaming, trying to get a glimpse of his friend over the many people surrounding him.

            "OKAY!" A voice suddenly boomed, making everyone jump, "THAT'S ENOUGH!  IN YER SEATS! ALL OF YA!" Hagrid bellowed at the kids.  They promptly took there seats, focusing on Hagrid but occasionally letting their eyes flicker over to Harry.  Hagrid went on to announce to the R.P.S.A. (who occasionally randomly bellowed out words in the middle of his speech) about how Harry didn't know he was a wizard, at the same time telling Harry why everyone was storming him like stampeding zebras.  He just hung his mouth open and stared around the room at everyone.  They stared back.

            "So..." Ron said, breaking the awkward silence, "Let's all make Harry feel very welcome!  And that does NOT mean trying to suffocate him and/or send killing curses at him to see if he survives again!" a few people groaned disappointedly as people started the whisper excitedly.

            "AHEM!" A girl suddenly called, banging a wooden hammer thing on a desk, "ORDER IN THE COURT!  Sorry, always wanted to say that..." she said sheepishly, twirling a strand of her bushy hair.  "Anyway!  I now call this meeting of the R.P.S.A. to order!  First order of business-.."

            "CORN DOG!" someone yelled, to some scattered applause.

            "First order of business..." the girl continued, rolling her eyes, "Is new members.  We've been very low on recruiting new members, no thanks to our recruiting-`"

            "THERE ARE 15,000 SHEEP IN AUSTRAILIA!" someone yelled out, also receiving some applause.

            "AHEM..." the girl said, giving everyone icy looks, "As I was saying, no thanks to our RECRUITING SQUAD!" 

            "Hey!" a boy with brown hair stood up suddenly, as Harry applauded playfully, too late to realize that was not in fact a random phrase, but an actual objection, "That's not fair, Granger!  Ron and I have been working our bums off trying to find people to join!  It's not that simple to just walk down to street and find people saying random things!"

            "Yea!" Ron added, turning a bit pink, "You're always complaining about us!  All you do is bang the damn mallet on a desk and state the obvious!"

            "BLUE'S CLUES!" someone agreed.

            "Well!  ExCUSE me, but I'm sure we can replace Seamus and Ron in the snap of a finger!  It's not like THEY do anything!  They just walk around and listen to people and wait for them to say random things!  That doesn't exactly take hard work!" she shouted shrilly, chucking the mallet at Seamus's head and storming out of the room.  Luckily, Seamus ducked just in time.

            "That one's got issues," Ron told Harry as he stared at the spot where the angry girl had been standing.  "I heard she spent two years in anger management."

            "Hmm..." Harry said, not really paying attention, as he stared in awe at all the shiny, shiny red buttons glistening from people's robes.

            "Umm..." the brown haired boy said, standing up on the podium and holding the mallet that had narrowly missed his head a moment ago, "Meeting dismissed!" 

            "ORANGE PEEL!!!" Harry shouted gleefully, feeling very "in".  As he strolled towards the door he tripped on a stick and fell on his butt. 

            "Now who leaves a stick INSIDE?" he hollered, picking it up.

            "NOO!!!" an older girl shouted, reaching for the smooth stick a second too late.  It shot out a red spark and suddenly she ran around screaming, her head on fire.

            "Merious!" an older boy bellowed, pointing another stick at her head.  She was promptly engulfed in a stream of water coming out of the stick, but the flames were indeed gone.

            "NOW will you go to the Yule Ball with me, Anna?" he asked sweetly, looking very satisfied.

            "You wish!  Dan already asked me, anyway!" she stormed out of the room, looking enraged and dripping from head to toe.

            "Arridius," the boy called lazily as the water evaporated.  He looked very disappointed.  Harry wondered if all magic girls were this angry.

***

            "Well, that was sort of a bad first meeting for you.  Usually they go somewhat better."  Ron said to Harry as they walked down the street, Hagrid patrolling closely behind, occasionally shooing off groups of screaming girls, holding signs that read things like

            "HARRY HOTTER!" and "LIGHTNING BOLTS ARE SEXY!"

They really needed some more creative lines.  But whatever.

            "No it wasn't!  It was really exciting!  And fun!  And action-packed!" Harry said excitedly, picking up a stick and waving it around.

            "THAT REMINDS ME!" Hagrid suddenly shouted, "You need a wand!"  He grabbed Harry's arm and dragged him into a nearby shop, Ron trailing behind.

_________________________________________________________________________

A/N: Whew!  Ta da!  I got a little too serious in there, sorry about that!  But to make up for it, I have a most important announcement!

In response to some reviews I've gotten, I have decided to start the official...

~*~*~RANDOM PHRASE SHOUTERS ANONYMOUS!!!!!!!~*~*~

List of members:

Padfoot-Dreamer

If you would like to become a member, you know what to do.  If you don't, refer to Padfoot-Dreamer's review.  No angry people equipped with mallets, I promise.

MUSTARD.

review!

~~~~~~~~~~BREAKING NEWS~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This just in:  Ok, I don't know how many of you lovely listeners out there read my reviews, but today I was disappointed to see a *tear* FLAME!  I've seen other people get flamed, and this is one of the ruder ones I've seen.  In summary, they said I was a pathetic excuse for a person, basically because they did not like the freaking title of my story.  WHAT IS WRONG WITH THE WORLD?!  Seriously.  I won't flame ya back because I'm not stooping to that level, but I'm watchin' you, DD(platinumflirt@hotmail.com) O.o  *hums* you can't briiiiing me down, you can't....*ahem* REVIEW!  PLEASE!  I NEED A POSITIVE COMMENT HERE!

ps~  Ok, new thought.  Maybe this is my initiation as a true author!  MY FIRST FLAME!  Aww.  Lol.


	7. Ch 7 Olivander's

Holy updates, Batman! An update!

Yea...sorry about that...I was kind of dragged into my new _non-parody_ story (Sixteen)...go read and review it. Maybe it's a bad idea that I have three stories and none of them are finished. Maybe I should take them one at a time.

Oh well.

Last night I was thinking and I have two new ideas for stories (both Harry Potter-related...lol)

The first idea I started writing already, but I'm not sure whether to post it. I've read a lot of stories that are like "breadbox versions" or "Harry Potter in 180 seconds" and stuff to that idea. And I really like them, I find them really funny and stuff, so I started one. This is NOT an original idea and I'm not taking credit. The story's mine, obviously, but not the whole idea of a summary-like thing. I'd give credit to whoever thought of it, but I've seen so many people do it that I have no idea who started the little fad.

Fad. What a great word.

Oh, by the way, before you read this chapter, the spacing is messed up. As in it added radom spaces and took away the ones I wanted to be there, so it's kind of screwed up, sorry about that.

Anyway, second idea is from the end of Prisoner of Azkaban, through summer, and into the beginning of Goblet of Fire, all from Sirius's point of view. Cuz Sirius is cool.

And so is reviewing.

Yea, I think I'm done here.

REVIEW!

"'Ello? Olivander? You in here?" Hagrid called as they opened the door the a musty little shop. Harry looked around. Long narrow boxes lined every wall, crammed in one after the other.

"Oh, goody gumdrops! Shoe-shopping!" Harry squealed, "My most favoritest sport!" he looked down at his pink Uggs, which were going out of style before his very eyes.

Hagrid eyed him, looking a bit concerned, but cleared his throat loudly and walked over to a dingy little counter, where a dingy little man sat, snoring loudly.

"Olivaaander! Wake up! WAKE UP, DAMMIT!"

The little man awoke with a jolt, eyes darting back and forth.

"D-dude! Wh-what is it, Hagrid? Do you n-need a wa- AGGHHH!!! DUCK AND COVER!!!!"

The man screamed, eyeing Hegwig (who had just hooted) and darting under his desk. Quickly he jumped back up, smoothing out his jacket as though nothing had happened.

"W-who do you need a w-wand for, Hagrid? I m-mean, you've been expelled like, thirty why-years ago, m-man. G-get reeeeaalll!" suddenly Harry gasped. The man was none other than...

A HIPPIE.

Harry screamed like a girl and ran behind Hagrid for cover. The man behind the desk, whose eye was twitching madly, looked at Harry sleepily, as though in a daze. His bright tye-dye t-shirt, brown suede jacket and boots, patched jeans, and the soul patch on his chin. They all screamed 'Hippie'. Harry tore his gaze away, deeply frightened.

Suddenly the man twitched again, falling back down onto his chair with a dazed smile on his face, staring into nothingness.

"Er...I don't think tha's gas. Stay back, 'Arry." Harry was too frightened to correct Hagrid's lack-of-'H'.

"Now, Olivander...how many fingers am I holding up?" Hagrid said slowly and clearly, waving two fingers in front of Olivander's face.

"P-p-peeeeaaccee..." Olivander droned, smiling again. It was indeed pure coincidence that Hagrid's index and middle fingers were in the universal Peace Sign. Olivander just liked saying peace.

"Ah, just as I thought. You know what this means, kids!" Hagrid said to an invisible group of PBS viewers, eyeing the Hippie again. "Olivander's on crack!" he said cheerfully, helping himself to various boxes and pulling them off the shelves. At this, Olivander suddenly jumped up.

"Duuuude! What do ya think you're doooing? Those are like, my...boxes. You can't, like...take them. You have to, like..._sweeeeet_." he fell back in his chair, drooling and snoring away once again.

Hagrid shook his head. "I used to know Olivander, he was in my year at 'Ogwarts. Always a druggie, never good news. It's sad, the youth of today..." he drifted off, wiping away a tear.

Suddenly, in a bolt of abstinence, there was a loud crash! Someone had jumped through the window! It was none other than...

_The D.A.R.E. officer!!!_

Harry cheered loudly and grabbed a bag of popcorn.

"Stay back, children!" the crazy ever-sober man said with a wave of his wand. He pointed it at Olivander.

"_Darius!_" he shouted, as a jet of purple light leaped from his wand and smacked Olivander in the head.

"What happened? Dude! Officer Barley! It's you again!" suddenly he looked confused, "How come every time I wake up my head hurts and you're here?" he shrugged and stood up.

"My work here is done! And remember kids, Drug Abuse Resistance Education is here to HELP!" with this he handed out a few bumper stickers and t-shirts reading "JUST SAY NO!" and flew away through the hole in the window he had made upon entering.

Harry squinted against the sunlight as the wonderful D.A.R.E. officer disappeared into the horizon.

Hagrid cleared his throat loudly. Olivander jumped. Still Hippie, but no more twitchy.

_Eh, it's better than nothing._

Harry tried hard to fight his Hippie-phobia as Olivander got down multiple boxes from the shelves. After about an hour of Harry blowing up various helpless inamimate objects, including the shopkeeper's beloved collector's edition Woodstock food processor, Olivander stood hesitantly in front of a shelf at the very end.

Harry would have wondered if this would be the one, the perfect wand for him, but he already knew. The dramatic music playing totally gave it away.

The audience 'boo'ed and threw popcorn at the orchestra under the stage.

"I wonder..." Olivander said, gingerly taking down a large box labeled:

_FOR USE OF THE BOY WHO LIVED ONLY. HIGHLY DANGEROUS. _

"Hmm...maybe YOU should try this one, dude!" he said thoughtfully. Harry carefully opened the box. He shrieked as a little glass Christmas ornament fell out of the box and rolled to his feet and cracked open.

Suddenly the form of a young witch, whose eyes were magnified to three times their normal size by her giant spectacles, appeared in the silvery smoke that came from the orb.

She spoke, her voice cold and harsh. Harry leaned closer to here what she was saying.

He distinctly heard "The Dark Lord" and "only one shall live". Just as he was about to lean closer, the form of the woman was disintegrated as someone blew it away.

Harry, looking up to see who the culprit was, saw Ron frowning at him.

"The sign says 'no smoking', Potter. Please, have a little respect." Harry hung his head in shame as Olivander sheepishly stuffed something under his desk.

"Ok, you two, that's enough bad influence for one day!" Hagrid said, grabbing a wand out of the box the orb had come from and quickly pick-pocketing Harry. Grinning evilly as he pulled out seven galleons, he laid them on the counter.

"Oh, Hagrid, you don't have to pay!" Harry said cheerfully, reaching for his slightly lighter wallet.

"No, no! I insist!" Hagrid grinned, handing the wand to Harry and leading them out of the shop.

"Bye, dudes! Peace, little red-head bro!" Olivander called after them as Ron steamed. One of the many things Harry and Ron had in common was their strong dislike of Hippies. They even started the I.S.D.H., "I Strongly Dislike Hippies" club, but they couldn't find very many members. Except one fanatic named Ernie who seemed to think they were planning to blow up Hippie Nation, the newly formed all-hippie country.

Harry sighed as he skipped merrily down the street, arm-and-arm with Ron and humming a happy tune.

Life was good.

A/N: Lol. I have no idea what inspired that Hippie theme, And yes, if any of you caught it, the crack line was from School of Rock. What a great movie. If you haven't seen it, go rent it now. After you review, of course. And props to you if you know about D.A.R.E.

Ah, fifth grade. Good times, good times.

Shall I write a review song? I can't really think of what tune to do, thought. Give me ideas when (not IF) you review. So meanwhile, for your entertainment pleasure, I will write a limerick.

If you review you are cool,

Cooler than a trip to the pool,

If you don't you are not,

You stink and should rot,

Just kidding I love you all...stool...

[But I'll love you more if you review! And it's good karma!]

So now I'm off to possibly write the next chapter of Peter Pot. But I also have to change my summaries and ratings and all that schpiel, cause it's getting old.

And old is bad.

Save Burma! Review!


	8. Ch 8

OMG ok so I was at school yesterday and we were on laptops because the computer lab was taken and I was doing this project thing with my friend Allison (none other than the infamous Padfoot-Dreamer, by the way) when I decided to go on fanfiction. Mainly because Allison said "go on fanfiction" (she wanted me to see a story she was reading). So I checked for reviews and I found that I had FIVE NEW ONES! And that's not a lot but considering the chapter had been up for less than a 24 hours I thought it was pretty cool. Ok, so that BETTER not be all I get for the chapter. Five measly reviews?! Come on, people! Honorable mentions will go out to those blessed four who reviewed (I know I got five, one reviewed twice! Go (insert cool name here)!!!). No, I'm serious, (insert cool name here) was the name she (or he) reviewed under. Go check if ya want. I think it's AWESOME! Just like REVIEWING!

So I'm considering writing another review song, but I'll get to that later. I know I haven't updated Peter Pot in awhile but I've been absorbed in Sixteen and now I was suddenly inspired to write something funny, not serious.

Because I'm in a funny mood.

Eh, get on with the chapter!

[again with the screwed up spaces...ok lack of spaces...sorry bout that...DAMN YOU FANFICTION! NO! NO! I didn't mean it! I love you! Almost more than reviews! ...almost. O.o]

The next day was a lovely one, birds chirped in the trees, squirrels chattered in the fields, and air pollution poured from the roofs of nearby buildings.

Curse this modernization! What right does mankind have to invade everything? They're not much smarter than dolphins anyway! And I don't see DOLPHINS destroying the ozone...

cough back to the story...

Harry hesitantly opened his eyes as light streamed in through his open window.

_Why the hell is my window open?! Voldemort could've climbed right through and murdered me in the night!_

Harry bolted upright, once again smacking his head on the low-hanging lamp above his bed. He was making good progress on his project to create another scar on his head, therefore doubling his fame! MUA HA HA!

"Harry...are you okay...Haaarrrryy? Harry...it's me...Harry..." a gentle female voice came drifting towards him as the room spun.

"M-Mum? Is that you?"

"No, you idiot, it's me, Hermione!"

"ARGGH!!! Stay back! I'm in my pajamas, for the love of Draco-I mean Pete! Stay back!" Harry ducked under his quilt, mentally patting himself on the back on thinking so quickly in the face of cooties.

"Yea, ok...anyway, you're late for the weekly meeting of the R.P.S.A."

"Oh, come on, that is so old. Really, if Chica890 tried to pull that it would be like kicking a dead dog. I love that phrase. Anyway, the R.P.S.A. humor is fried, kind of like your hair. I mean what _happened_ there?"

Hermione suddenly burst into tears.

"Oh, it was terrible, Harry, terrible!" she cried, flinging her arms around his neck. "I bought the hair straightener in America, but the voltage count is different in London, and...OH! It was terrible! It got all sizzly and smelly!" she sobbed heavily. "Actually, it's my earliest memory as a child. My hair's been like this ever since." she added thoughtfully.

And the Granger bushy hair mystery is solved.

Just then, in a flash of Common Sense (damn it!), Chica890 realized that Harry had not yet met Hermione, only at the R.P.S.A. meeting had he seen her, but had never spoken to her before.

Hermione promptly materialized away into space.

"Rise an' shine, there, 'Arry! Up yer go, now. Come on!" Hagrid loomed in the doorway of Harry's temporary little room. Harry groaned and looked at the space Hermione had been a second ago, a bit confused, but dismissed it as his silly little mind playing tricks on him again.

This happened often. Only a few days ago, for instance, Harry had seen a large black dog bounding up to him with a neon green poster board taped to his back, reading,

"HARRY! IT'S ME, SIRIUS BLACK, YOUR FATHER'S BEST FRIEND OF WHOM ALSO HAPPENS TO BE YOUR GODFATHER BUT IS CURRENTLY ON THE RUN FROM HUNDREDS OF DEMENTORS TRYING TO PUNISH ME FOR A CRIME I DIDN'T COMMIT! DON'T PICK UP ANY SUSPICIOUS LOOKING RATS!"

But Harry was a bit slow on the uptake, and he hadn't even read the third book yet (although he was halfway through Chamber of Secrets and was enjoying it immensely. That main character sounded like one hot cookie!). So he had also dismissed this as a figment of his wild, wild imagination.

"Come on, now! Big day! First day of Hogwarts, summat o' summat an' rubbish!" Hagrid said cheerfully.

Readers everywhere looked confused for a moment but then knowingly pulled out their copies of the _English-Hagrid Dictionary for Muggles, Volume I"_. They all said "aww" as they translated Hagrid's strange accent and use of words into what was actually a loving and heartfelt sonnet of his fatherly affection for Harry and how proud he was that his little boy was going off to Hogwarts already.

Unfortunately Harry, who did not have a copy of this dictionary, just smiled and nodded, edging out of the room.

As Hagrid cooked (lighting various objects on fire, including, but not limited to, a tea kettle, a pitcher of lemonade, a scarf, a mop, and a pet squirrel named Roberto.), Harry listened to the Muggle radio he had brought with him, cleverly making it look like he was doing something in-depth and smart, such as listening for signs of Voldemort. Actually, he just loved the sound of Stacy Winthrop's lovely, lovely voice. He also wondered why most newswomen's named ended in

-acy. But that, children, is another story for another day.

As Harry gazed out the window, he saw a brief flash of orange hair as his best friend, (so what if they'd only known each other for a few days?! What about love at first sight?! Er, _friendship_ at first sight...yes...) Ron, flew by on a tattered broom, screaming bloody murder.

Harry made a move to open the window, but just his thought of opening the window made it fall off in poverty-infested despair. Ron flew in the space where the large window used to be, gasping for breath. He gave the broom to Harry, who read the handle before chucking it into a conveniently blazing (so WHAT if it was September first?! It gave coziness and loving warmth, ok?!) fireplace.

_Destron__, Version 6.0 : WARNING: Destron 6.0 is made to kill Muggles, Muggle-borns, and Muggle-lovers. Do not attempt to ride if you fall into this disgusting criteria! MUDBLOOD! This product illegally manufactured by Malfoy Inc. Anonymous_

The words were painted in fancy-looking gold letters. The broom probably could've made some good money on the black market or eBay, Harry realized as an afterthought, but eh, it was too late now.

"Thanks...Harry..." Ron panted, clutching the arm of the wooden chair he had sunken into, "But...it's weird...I mean...I'm not a Muggle...or....a Muggle-born..." he continued to pant, now also clutching a stitch in his side, "And...I'm not...a Muggle-lover? I mean," he continued, starting the regain his normal breathing speed, "I'm not in love with any Muggles or anything. Or Muggle-borns, for that matter, I mean how many Muggle-borns do we know??"

da da DA!!!!!!!

MUUUUUUUUA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!

ahem, sorry couldn't resist...back to the story...wink wink...

"Yea, weird." Harry replied, looking a bit preoccupied. He was so excited for his first day at Hogwarts! "Sorry...I'm so excited for my first day at Hogwarts!"

"Me too!" Ron exclaimed in his perfect Valley Girl voice. "I mean...we can totally have a slumber party...and do pedicures...and OOH it just gives me the total heeby-jeebies thinking about it! I am like so totally psyched!" they exchanged high fives and excited squeals as they departed from the little room.

"FEE, FI, FO, FUM!" Hagrid roared as he entered the room, carrying a duster and wearing a pink floral-patterned apron. "Who wants crumpets?"

"ME!!!" The duo (ok, they haven't met the other one yet, right, so what am I supposed to call them?) exclaimed gleefully as they grabbed dainty saucers from their robe pockets (Harry had insisted on wearing his this morning in honor of the occasion) and dashing into the drawing room for a spot of tea.

After an hour or so had passed, Harry decided it may be about the time they should leave for King's Cross Station.

"Hagrid, I think it's about time we leave for King's Cross Station."

"Right-o!" Ron exclaimed, "I should get back to the Burrow, then! Isn't it convenient that you met me? This way I can ever-so-conveniently tell all the details of the wizarding world, since I am so conveniently from a wizarding family. And being the humble and totally down-to-Earth guy that I am (all girl readers say "Aww! If only all guys were like that...sigh "...and swoon), I will not judge you nor be intimidated by your celebrity status and can befriend you instantly and conveniently fill you in on anything you need to know! Anyway, I'd better go! See ya later, alligator!"

"Ok then...come on, Harry. We'd best be movin' roight along, there ya go...out ya go, now..." Hagrid said, wiping away a silent proud tear.

Harry looked at his train ticket

_Heh__, heh...stupid bathrobe people...don't even know how to count...Nine and Three Quartes, pfft. Curse their evil sleepwear of sin and hatred..._

"Oh, again with the bathrobes?" Ron interrupted, evidently with the makings of a Seer, seeing as Harry hadn't been talking out loud...or he didn't _think _he was...

Harry gave Ron a Death Stare. "I thought you left!" and Ron walked away, muttering something sounding suspiciously like "kicking a dead dog again..."

Chica 890 hung her head in shame. IT'S TOUGH TO ROLL OUT THESE NEVER-ENDING JOKES AND RANDOM ACTS OF STUPIDITY! Give me a break already! Fine, I'll just go right to Sixteen, my cough NON PARODY FIC cough...I don't need you losers!

Ron: No! Please! I'll be random and stupid and make a total fool out of myself! Please!

Harry: Yes, yes! We are your slaves! We will bow to your every whim and noble cruel command!

Me: Eh...good enough. But I'm WATCHING YOU.

Harry and Ron: Yes, Ma'm.

"I must be random!" Ron exclaimed, "Or I'll lose my job! Corndog! Poodle! Appalachian Mountains! Stephanie!"

Harry rolled his eyes and walked away, priding himself on his sanity.

A/N: OMG I'M STILL HERE!!! Ok, sorry this was so late! Sorry, sorry, sorry! You may or may not believe this excuse, but it's true. I have already written chapter 9, and as I went to post it I realized it said this story had only 7 chapters. So I was all, "What the hell?! I so totally wrote 8 chapters!" and then I went into Microsoft Word and I was all, "Whoa, here's the un-posted chapter 8! Better go make an apologetic author's note and then post A.S.A.P.!" So yea. That's my story. And now I'm posting... woo-hoo!

Oh, and Fanfiction, might I also add that this Quick-Edit thing TOTALLY KICKS ASS! I love it! No more re-downlaoding and re-posting for me! Yahoo!


	9. Ch 9 Platform 9 34

Yea, I'm still here. SORRY! about the lack of updates, I know, I know! I was consumed by other duties including school, homework, Sixteen, school, etc... PLEASE FORGIVE ME!

I really hope you guys like this chapter! As I type this I have no idea whatsoever what's going to happen, except I suppose they should actually go to Hogwarts. Other than that, it will be random junk that I come up with as I go along.

If you like this chapter, review!

If you don't... review!

Gracias.

Harry jumped a foot as he heard an odd, yet strangely familiar ringing noise.

He was sitting at the wooden kitchen table with Hagrid, enjoying a breakfast of roast pork and sizzling hash browns, with a few sides of coleslaw and some fresh-squeezed 100% orange juice.

The ringing came again. Harry looked around wildly, sticking out his tongue to sense the air for predators.

"...You wanna get tha'? I would, but I dunno how it works." Hagrid gruff voice startled Harry even further, the poor dear.

"Alright," said Harry, bravely fighting back the tears trying to push their way through. "I won't cry!" he muttered to himself, humming his theme song quietly to stay calm. "Doo, do do do, do dooo, do dooo," he said, wimpering as he looked for the source of the noise. The constant ringing- he couldn't take it anymore! "Doo do do do, do do..."

"Ow!" Harry squealed as he walked into a small table, stubbing his toe and breaking a nail at the same time. He briefly thought of suicide, but then figured out where the ringing was coming from, and decided it was his purpose in life to stay alive long enough to answer it, at least.

"...Hello?" Harry said, picking up the fluffy pink fur-trimmed phone.

"Hello, is Rubeus Hagrid there?" asked a strangely pleasant voice. Harry gasped, his eyes widening as he covered his open mouth with his free hand.

It was the Invasion of the Telemarketers! Just like in the prophecy! Yes, the prophecy a drunk man at the Leaky Cauldron had told him of! Harry stared into space dramatically as the voice replayed itself quietly in his head, but loudly enough for the audience to here.

"And they shall come, and they shall rip you off, and they shall haunt you 'til the day you die, with the never-ending calls, calls, CALLS!!!" Harry screamed and slammed down the receiver. He walked sullenly back to the kitchen.

"Who was tha'?" Hagrid asked.

"The wrong number, it was the WRONG NUMBER, DAMMIT!" Harry screamed at Hagrid fiercely. "What's with the third degree? Must you know every little detail of my life? Every waking minute of my very existence? Why, WHY?" he crumpled to the ground, rocking back and forth and weeping bitterly.

Muttering, "Well, it's my 'ouse, thought it might be fer me...", Hagrid walked from the room.

Harry was left alone in the empty kitchen, which actually symbolized being left alone in the world with an empty heart.

Readers marveled at the deep meaning of this and at the sheer bravery of this poor young boy.

Hagrid opened the door again, calling, "And get yer bags up, we're leavin' fer the station in a few minutes!" and left again.

Harry looked up, sniffling, and trudged into his room to get his trunk, as well as Hedwig's cage. Ten minutes later, they were on their way to King's Cross Station.

The only problem was, Hagrid didn't know how to drive.

"What? It's not like we use these in the wizarding world!" he had exclaimed when he saw what a car actually was.

And so, as it happened, this was how it came to be that Harry Potter, the eleven-year-old, was cruising down the street in a hip red convertible, his tangled black hair blowing back in the wind. Hagrid was next to him in the passenger seat, cowering in fear.

"How do Muggles do this? I'm going to have a heart attack! Where's the eject button?!" Hagrid ranted, looking for a button to propel him out of his seat. The only button he could find was the one to put the top down, but this calmed him quite well, so Harry didn't object. Even though his hair was no longer streaming back but instead in a tangled mess once more.

"Look at this, Hagrid! Look at my hair! Honestly, why couldn't I have inherited my mother's hair, too? Then I really could be a Weasley one day..." Harry said, staring into space as he reveled in his lifelong dream. He was abruptly brought back to reality by a loud honking as he almost crashed into the car in front of him.

"Eyes on the road, 'Arry!" Hagrid commanded, trying to appear as if he hadn't been having a nervous breakdown merely moments ago.

Suddenly, in the rearview mirror, Harry saw flashing blue and red lights, and the loud "Wheee-oooo, wheeee-oooo," of police sirens.

"Dammit, they brought in the Fuzz!" Harry exclaimed, whipping on a pair of sunglasses.

"Who did?" Hagrid asked, looking confused.

"Never mind that!" Harry said, for lack of a better answer, and swiftly turned the car with a loud screeching of brakes. He drove over a jump, through a ring of fire, and around various obstacles until he...well, ran out of gas.

"Ok, ya got me!" Harry said, rolling down the window and putting his hands up as a policeman, who was also wearing sunglasses, walked up next to the now idle car.

"How old are you, sir?" the man questioned, "Love your shades, by the way."

"Hey, yours aren't bad either. Armani?" Harry answered conversationally.

"Nah, Macy's. My wife's a penny-pincher." the man replied, shrugging. "Anyhoo...I'm gonna have to see your license."

Harry's heart was racing as he fumbled around the car. He didn't have a license! What if they missed the train? He searched around in his pocket until his hands closed on something laminated and license-shaped. He handed it to the officer.

"Oh...my...GOSH!" the officer exclaimed, looking at the thing Harry had handed him. "Random Phrase Shouters Anonymous? Me too! Actually, I prefer 'Contingent Exclamatory Syndrome', but TOTALLY! Wow, this is so neat-o! Guatemala!" he said, giggling.

"Banana hammock," Harry replied, grinning.

Suddenly the radio on the man's belt beeped. "Oh, sorry...I'm going to need your name, sir." the policeman instructed, still trying to contain his excitement.

"The name's Potter," Harry said, taking off his sunglasses, "Harry Potter." and with that he drove away into the distance.

Harry stepped out of the car, not stopping to wonder how he had managed to get to the station when just minutes ago he'd had to stop in the middle of a wild police chase because he was out of gas. It was almost like...magic...

Handing Hagrid a barf bag, which he gratefully accepted, Harry strolled toward station 9. Hagrid followed suit.

"Oh, HELLO, Harry dear!" shouted Ron's mum, Mrs. Weasley. "Do you need help getting onto the station?"

Harry grinned knowingly. He was, after all, in the middle of the second book, and already knew how to get onto Platform 9 ¾. He whipped on a snazzy bowler hat and a pinstripe suit.

"No thanks, toots. I got it all covered." he said, winking and walking into the brick pillar under station 9 with a –SMACK!-

The audience winced, but applauded politely as Harry pulled himself back up (the brave, strong boy!), getting odd looks from a few Muggles around him.

"You walk into the wall under Platform _Ten_, dumbass." Ron muttered, doing so with an annoying know-it-all look on his face.

Harry stuck his tongue out at the spot where Ron had been and, grabbing his trunk and owl's cage once more, strolled through the barrier under platform ten.

Harry spotted Ron and few feet ahead of him, and hurried to join him. Within five minutes, the rest of the Weasley clan had stepped through and were checking up on last-minute packing.

"Ron," Mrs. Weasley said, "you have Mr. Punky-pie? You know how you can't sleep without him."

"Mum!" Ron said, turning bright red and shoving a little teddy bear into his trunk.

"And George," Mrs. Weasley continued, ignoring her youngest son, "You have your lax pills? You know how the house-elves prepare that chicken, it makes you so constipated, darling – George? George!" but George was already halfway to the train, acting as though he couldn't hear her and looking around to make sure no one else did.

The rest followed, filing onto the train and being kissed goodbye by Mrs. Weasley. Harry waved to Hagrid and followed Ron, looking for an empty car. They finally came upon one, at the back of the train, and shoved their trunks under their seats.

"Good morning!" a voice came over the speaker next to Harry's head, "And welcome to train 202 to Hogwarts from Platform nine and three quarters! We hope you enjoy your ride. Please store all carry-on luggage in the overhead compartment and fasten seatbelts. When the seatbelt signed has been turned off, feel free to move about the cabin. No smoking is allowed on the Hogwarts Express. In case of rapid change in pressure, oxygen masked are located in the overhead area and will fall automatically. A snack cart will be coming around shortly. Thank you, and enjoy the ride."

The two boys looked at each other and shrugged. Suddenly, with a loud whistle, the train began to move.

................................................

**A/N: **Well, I went to write chapter ten and realized that 9 was only half finished! Sorry about that! And I haven't updated this story in a LONGGG time, so sorry about that too! Please review!!!

...please????


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